A Prescription from The DIVORCE Doctor

New York has become the sixth state to perform same-sex marriages. Gay divorce is not far behind.

Gay married couples are now entitled to financial benefits and have legal rights.
Couples who marry and live in New York can now file their state taxes jointly, and they can inherit their spouse’s assets, even in the absence of a will.

There are a number of federal benefits that gay married couples will not be eligible for because of the Defense of Marriage Act which states that marriage is between a man and a woman. So gay married couples will not be able to file joint federal tax returns or receive social security spousal or survivor’s benefits.

But what about divorce rights?

Now that New York legally recognizes gay marriage, same sex divorce is recognized too!
Same-sex marriages are now legally equivalent to heterosexual marriages. Same-sex couples’ right to divorce is now rooted in New York’s Domestic Relations Law and gay couples will have the same rights in divorce as a heterosexual couple.

For a gay couple divorcing, the same issues will be considered: equitable distribution; separate property; maintenance; child custody, child support and visitation.
One issue that remains unresolved by the same-sex marriage vote is child custody and visitation, where one partner is a biological parent, but the other has failed to adopt the child.

For those of you in a same sex marriage considering a divorce, it is important to receive the full protection you are entitled to under the law. Consult with an attorney or mediator to learn what your rights are and to ensure you are legally protected when dissolving your marriage.

As a divorce attorney and mediator it is my responsibility to inform clients of what they are entitled to when considering a divorce. Women, in particular, don’t realize they may be entitled to Rehabilitative Maintenance.

For those of you who are wondering what Rehabilitative Maintenance is, it is a type of spousal support. This type of support gives a wife (financially dependent spouse) who may have left a job or career for a marriage and to raise a family, the right to receive further education or training so she can become self-sufficient and self-supporting.

In some cases, although rare, rehabilitative maintenance can be extended for several years, and in a very few cases maintenance has been continued for life. In many of these cases the ex-spouse had no realistic chance of employment, and the marriage was a very long marriage.

It would be unrealistic, for example to expect a woman, now 63 , who had been married for forty-some years, to be able to find employment that would guarantee her a standard of living that had been set by her ex-husband over their forty year marriage.

So what was the standard of living established in your marriage? “Standard of living” means developing a picture of how you lived. What was your income (if you had one), what was his income and what and how did you spend your money.
Whether or not you are entitled to rehabilitative maintenance depends on a number of factors:
1) Age of parties;
2) Health of parties;
3) Length of marriage;
4) Earnings of each party;
5) Disparity of income;
6) Value of property allocation;
7) Professional opportunities missed by wife to stay home and raise a family;
8) Lifestyles of the parties during the marriage;
9) What education and skills you already have;
10) How much education will you need to re-enter the work force (might be used to pay for law school or computer training).

For the most part, rehabilitative maintenance is temporary, but if you are going through a divorce, you should know about it! It could make a big difference in your financial security.

Since the internet has become a regular part of our everyday lives, cyberspace has become a willing accomplice in online affairs, and the break-up of marriages.
With every new online fad like Face book, Twitter, My Space and so on, more and more spouses are wandering away from their real life marriages to a new cyber love.
With the recent Anthony Weiner Twitter fiasco, it’s time to recognize that carelessness, stupidity and a Twitter account can cost you a marriage. These social networks have become a real threat to everyone’s marriage.
What you might not realize is if you let your fingers do the talking you might end up in a real life disaster. I recommend you first, “think, type and then tweet.” Better yet, learn how to use these vehicles properly or don’t hit send or tweet at all if you want to stay out of divorce court.

Don’t let Cyberspace threaten your marriage.

Set up some rules in your marriage for navigating social networks.

1) Keep your correspondence public, posting on “walls”. Don’t have private conversations, especially with the opposite sex;
2) Don’t badmouth your spouse publicly on-line, even in jest. Typing does not always translate the way talking does;
3) Don’t engage in intimate discussions about your spouse or marriage with an online buddy;
4) Be careful who you “friend”. Ask yourself, “would my spouse be comfortable with my friending this person?

Don’t jeopardize a relationship or a marriage with any online relationship that could potentially cause confusion or trouble.

Develop healthy boundaries when in cyberspace and online. Inappropriate relationships online have destroyed many a marriage. Don’t let it destroy yours!

When women fall in love, they often hand the purse strings over to their husbands. As a divorce attorney, it is the single biggest mistake I see women make. Once a woman gives all the financial decision making power to her husband, she puts herself in a very vulnerable position. Especially when the marriage ends!
This isn’t purely a women’s issue, of course. Men can just as easily fall into the same traps. But women are more likely to give up careers to raise children, and are more likely to outlive their husbands.

Here are some common financial mistakes married women make — along with some advice on how to avoid them.

1. Handing Over the Purse Strings

By not engaging in the family finances, women set themselves up for potential financial hardships. Financial ignorance is not bliss. I have clients who handled their finances just fine when they were single. When they married they handed all their financial power over to their husbands only to later find themselves divorcing and in trouble with the IRS and creditors. Their husbands had gambling habits, debts and problems with the IRS. In some cases, women have had to file for bankruptcy.

My advice? Be an equal partner in all the financial decisions. Be part of the process. Look over the monthly bills, bank statements, credit card bills and ask questions. Be familiar with the family’s overall financial picture. Know where accounts are held; interact with the accountant, financial planner and attorneys handling financial matters. If he knows, so should you. Don’t shy away from being in charge of your financial destiny.

2. Losing Your Financial Identity

Maintain your own credit card. When women get married and give up their own credit cards to be just an authorized user of their husband’s card, they don’t realize that it is difficult to later secure a credit card on their own. In a situation like this a woman’s lack of active credit card history can work against her. If divorcing, it could take a good six months to secure a credit card in your name and you will be offered only high-rate credit cards with small lines of credit. Credit bureaus won’t calculate a FICO score (the most common credit score used) for individuals whose credit history has been inactive for six months or longer.

My advice? Keep your own credit card. You have a credit history and hopefully good credit scores. Don’t give that away! Keep separate credit card accounts and set-up three separate bank accounts: yours, his and ours.

3. Walking Away From Your Career

While you might welcome the chance to stay home with your children, the longer you’re out of the work force, the harder it can be to jump back in. Women often face lower wages or lower job titles when they try to return to work after a long hiatus. Think long and hard about giving everything up.
My Advice? Work part-time just to keep yourself in the work force. Keep your skills fresh. And remember, you may return to the work force for one reason or another. Divorce, unfortunately can be a possibility and children eventually do grow up! So don’t lose touch completely. Take some consulting projects, do some charity work, be part of some professional networking organizations. This will help you maintain your career identity.
4. Not Saving for Retirement

Some married women don’t feel it is necessary to save for retirement. Married women tend to rely on their husbands since they are the breadwinners and women expect to be provided for during their golden years. This is not often the case.

My advice? Start saving Now! Make it a priority. Start pinching your pennies, if necessary.

I often tell my clients going through a divorce, the only predictability in life is change. We all dread and reluctantly develop coping mechanisms for managing the inevitable change that is part of being human. In order to make good use of the curve balls life throws at us, it’s best if we can do more than just cope. We have to embrace changes, prepare for them when we can, and face them head on when we get hit from behind. A new beginning can be scary, but it can also be exciting. Choosing change can be empowering!

A new start for some of us might be starting a second career, getting married for the first time at an older age, buying an amazing new piece of technology or gaining a new degree, as I did when I became a physician assistant. For others change might be fixing a bad habit, leaving a miserable marriage after many years, or deciding to end an unhealthy codependent relationship. While new beginnings can be exhilarating, they can also force us to learn new skills and stretch outside of our comfort zone.

As is the case with some of my divorce clients, change can be beyond your control. This really requires strength and resilience. This type of change is often harder to handle emotionally because you are not in control. Someone, or something else has created change in your life. This might happen due to a divorce, disaster, illness or death. This kind of change stirs up all kinds of feelings. This type of starting over is unexpected, but necessary.

Big life transitions like these are powerful times in our lives. We are invited to release what is outworn in our lives and allow space for new life to flow in. It’s hard to imagine a new chapter of your life is starting in the midst of such pain and confusion. But every ending is a new beginning. Change is an invitation to recreate our lives, and ourselves. It is often a time to flourish in ways you might never have considered. It can be an unexpected opportunity and a blessing.

Don’t sidestep change. Remember, starting over requires confidence, courage and the determination to be better!

It is my goal as a divorce attorney and mediator to introduce my clients to all the tools necessary to see them through the difficult divorce process with as much support as possible. That is why as part of my evaluation of each divorce case, I sometimes recommend parents go through divorce-parenting classes. These classes focus on the problems that children often face during a divorce and can be extremely helpful.
Many parents are at a loss when it comes to helping their children adjust to a new family situation. Parenting classes teach parents how to communicate with their children in a way that will help avoid emotionally scarring them.

The children of divorced parents often experience self-esteem problems and can be emotionally vulnerable. Their innocent, stable world has just been destroyed and they need all the help they can get to regain stability. Parents playing custody games or other emotional games can strongly effect their child’s development. I urge you not to be one of these parents. Consider parenting classes!

Parenting classes teach:

1. Children have the right to be treated as are human beings. They have unique feelings, ideas, and desires. They should not be treated as the source of an argument between battling parents.
2. They have the right to a loving relationship with both parents. They should have the freedom to receive love and express love for both parents.
3. The right to receive care, discipline, and protection from both parents.

4. The right to not choose sides.
5. They should not have to decide where they want to live.

6. They should be able to express their feelings about the divorce such as anger, sadness or fear.
7. They should not have to make adult decisions.
8. They should have the right to remain a child. They should not be asked to take on parental responsibilities.
9. The right to be adequately supported financially by both parents to the best of the parents’ ability.
10. The right to not participate in the painful games that parents often play with each other. The right not to be placed in the middle.

If you are going through a divorce, consider parenting classes as a valuable source to help you and your children with the healing process. Parenting classes can be found through your local family court, parenting organizations in your community and some parenting classes are offered online as well.

While going through your divorce, don’t forget to always be a good parent!

Are you thinking about your New Year’s Resolutions and about making some changes in your life. If you are thinking about getting a divorce, your credit score may be the last thing on your mind, but you’d better think twice. Divorce can greatly impact your finances and credit history. Even the most amicable divorce can leave you in financial trouble and with bad credit. In many marriages one partner often takes care of all the bills and the other spouse is in the dark. When a divorce happens your marriage ends, but not your financial responsibilities and a bad credit score can follow you for a lifetime. Make sure you don’t overlook your credit.
Did you know you can actually be responsible for some of the debts your spouse has accumulated even after the divorce if things are not handled correctly? You must take steps to properly sever all financial ties with your ex. A good attorney/ mediator, some good planning and being practical may save you from more financial difficulties after your divorce.
I suggest you have knowledge of all your financial obligations-bank accounts, mortgages, credit cards, utilities, etc. Make sure you know what your responsibilities will be. Check your credit score before you get divorced. I suggest you do this at least once a year, but it is especially important before and after major life events, like a divorce. By taking a look at your credit score you can see where you stand and what credit surgery may need to be done. You may be surprised to find your spouse has not only tarnished your credit, but also owes thousands of dollars to the IRS, for which you may be liable, which was the case with one of my recent clients. Don’t ignore your credit. Once you have legally separated make sure you notify your joint accounts and credit cards by phone and in writing. Set-up your own accounts and credit cards in your name.
Since this world revolves around credit, a low credit score can have a devastating effect on your financial life and your ability to move forward after a divorce. If you are thinking about divorce, take the proper steps, get the best possible professional help, and don’t forget the power of your credit.

As we approach the holidays, the end of one year and the beginning of a new one, many couples who are having difficulties in their marriage start thinking about making changes in the new year. For many couples that means-divorce.

For couples that have never traveled this road before, it can be daunting. When it comes to divorce, the legal system by its very nature pits people against each other with the promise of only one winner and with no room for compromise. I say, “ if you once were in love, able to organize your lives and build a life together, you should be able to discuss and organize your lives to dissolve your marriage and to live apart.” I often tell clients with Mediation everyone is a winner. Mediation offers a less painful way to approach divorce. Mediation is a different way of viewing divorce and I like to recommend Mediation to clients as the peaceful alternative.

Mediation is a negotiated agreement between divorcing spouses on the important issues: children, finances and property. The divorce mediator is there to keep you on track, make sure negotiations are fair and to make suggestions when you hit a road block. The focus of mediation is you controlling your own divorce. Not Judges and Not Attorneys. Couples have the opportunity to discuss their personal needs and priorities and to arrive at an agreement they both can live with. Another appealing aspect of the mediation process is time and cost. Most divorce mediation cases can be resolved in months instead of years, and can cost tens of thousands of dollars less than fighting your case in court. Mediation, the less adversarial approach to divorce will keep more money in your pocket, give you peace of mind, and divorce mediation will help you keep your dignity in the process.

When couples are considering divorce I try to introduce the more peaceful approach first. Even when couples are angry I have found Mediation to be a process that can work. Not all divorces can be resolved using mediation but the ones that can, should. There is no easy path to divorce but divorce mediation is a less painful road to travel and should be embraced as the peaceful alternative in 2011.

Money is an emotionally charged topic. That’s why few of us and few couples like to talk about it. When couples come to see me and are considering a divorce, money can actually be, yes, even more than sex, what is driving the couple apart. Money can represent many things. Money is love, happiness, security, control, freedom and lots more. When couples fight over money usually deeper issues emerge. I find that these issues have long been neglected and money has become the vehicle for battle. For most of us, there’s just never enough money. Most of us don’t realize when we enter into a romantic relationship, there often a third party. A silent partner. It’s money!
Before marriage couples discuss where they are going to live, children, careers, and what side of the bed to sleep on, but never money? Money is still a taboo topic. Some people have anxiety, guilt and even shame about the way they handle money. Do you really want to tell a potential spouse you’re an over spender? Not exactly the topic of discussion you want to have as you’re walking down the aisle. Most people have complex relationships with their money. When couples enter a marriage, and have different money styles, they can actually battle and suffer together for years. As the marriage erodes and things begin to explode, that’s when they come to see me. Usually by that time it is already too late. Divorce is on the horizon.
The United States is a nation of over spenders. We live in a market economy and we are led to believe that we are good citizens when we agree to go out and spend our money, lots of it. So much so that we as a country and as individuals are in massive debt. Because many of us feel alienated and disconnected in today’s society, even with social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, we tend to overspend to fill an emptiness within ourselves. If we are not overspending, than we are usually worrying about money or hoarding it. Money is a complex focal point in many of our thoughts.
Men and women also have different money styles. What sets women apart from men is the different situations women will find themselves in during their lifetime. Women live longer than men. They usually have been in and out of the work force. When women marry they often become part of a financial dependency that can work against them if they are not prepared. Women are primarily the ones who raise the children, and often become the single parent raising the children. Women usually care for aging family members. A woman’s healthy relationship with money is vital in handling all the responsibilities and difficulties she may face.
So what’s your money style? If you haven’t thought about it, maybe it’s time! Get in touch with your money style before you make important decisions in your life.

This year we have seen lots of celebrity break ups. There was Jon and Kate, with their band of eight, Rosie O’Donnell and and Kelli Carpenter, long time couples like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, John and Elizabeth Edwards and Tiger and Elin Woods, just to name a few. While the media focuses on the romantic turmoil of Hollywood’s elite, little attention is given to the innocent-sweet faced casualties. The children!
Divorce is very difficult and an especially confusing time for children.
Couples often get caught up in their own anger, drama, the messy divorce process, the
desire for revenge and the division of property and finances.
But, who is looking out for the children and what are the effects of divorce on children?

It is important for parents to foster children’s long term adjustment to divorce. It is not only
an adjustment for you, it is also an adjustment for them. It is your responsibility as a parent
to buffer the pain of divorce and to reassure your children that it was not their fault and that
everything will be o.k. Don’t use your children as pawns in negotiating.

I recommend to couples a Child Friendly Divorce. I suggest couples
build and nurture a good relationship with their children during the turbulent divorce
process. Spend lots of time with your children. Even more time than usual, if necessary.
Just because you are going through a divorce, do not neglect or reduce the amount of time
you spend with your children. They need you now more than ever.

Don’t bad mouth the other parent! This temptation is hard for some adults to overcome.
Remember, your child doesn’t always feel the way you do about your spouse. Your spouse
is still mom or dad to your child. Listen to your child. Resist the impulse to get your child
to take sides. Your side…

Initiate open communications with your child. Encourage them to speak with
you, to confide in you. No matter what. Accept how your child feels. Keep stability in
your home and in your life. Children need structure. Limit the amount of changes you
make in your children’s lives as you go through a divorce. Make changes gradually and it’s
important to continue familiar routines. Always be available for your child and consider
counseling for them if you feel it would be helpful. I often advise couples not only to
consider counseling for themselves but for their children too. Don’t rush to introduce your
children to people you are dating. Keep that to yourself.

As parents we can’t always protect our children from divorce, but we can
comfort them, provide them with support and the tools necessary to understand,
and to hopefully overcome the pain of divorce. Remember, divorce is a family affair.
It’s not only about you! Don’t let your children get lost in the process!