As a divorce attorney and psychologically-trained mediator I uniquely guide couples, especially those with behavioral problems, towards dignified divorces.
Many of the couples I work with complain that narcissism is an unhealthy third party in their relationship. Some of them don’t even now what the unhealthy behavior is until they work with me, and I identify the controlling/lack of empathy behavior as narcissism.
All of us have a little healthy narcissism. But at the other end of the
spectrum narcissism becomes a personality disorder. In Greek mythology,
Narcissus admired his image in a pond, doing nothing else, until he died
as a result.
When a client asks me the characteristics of a narcissist, I tell them, some of them are as follows:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance;
- A lack of empathy;
- The use of charm to manipulate others;
- Holding grudges;
- Blaming everyone else if something goes wrong;
- Controlling others.
Often, I only need to hear a few sentences before I realize my client may be married to a narcissist. My medical training and experience helps me identify this behavior and successfully guide a couple towards a divorce. Many spouses hope the other will change. This is not unusual.
Often the victimized spouse still loves the narcissistic spouse even though they have been worn down by criticism, and other destructive behaviors. The victimized spouse often wonders endlessly about how a once beautiful relationship could turn into abuse and gas lighting. Clients tell me they feel embarrassed and ashamed to be part of such a relationship.
That was the case with Tara, an educated mom of two married to a commodities trader who never allowed her to have any knowledge of their finances or investments. Keeping her in the dark was such a priority, her husband would have her sign a tax return and not allow her to read it. She thought he had a retirement plan, and some other major investments but no concrete evidence since he kept all their investment statements in his office and on his computer. When she would ask questions about their finances he would tell her it was none of her business. When she complained he was dismissive, he told her she was stupid, and it was her fault.
At home he was emotionally distant and psychologically abusive. In public he was charming and attentive. It was as if he were two people.
Tara suspected he was living a double life. She did some digging and discovered he had 2 cell phones and an apartment in SoHo. She later learned he was living with the family’s nanny whom she had fired 7 months earlier.
Upon learning he was cheating Tara came to see me. She told him she wanted a divorce. He didn’t believe her. She suggested marriage counseling, he said,”No!” He kept telling her she was “imagining things.”
I encouraged her to leave this destructive marriage, but I could see how conflicted she was. She started defending some of his behaviors which is not unusual for someone who has been emotionally abused.
Once she gained some strength and knowledge during our sessions, and she saw he was not going to change, we began to move the divorce process forward. Her husband left his computer in their home office unattended one day and she was able to go online and access their financial and property documents. Now that we had a solid financial picture, proving there were significant assets, I was able to get her the financial support and division of property she rightfully deserved as part of her divorce.
If this story speaks to you, call me.
I have the skills and experience to help move you away from a destructive marriage.
During this medical crisis our FREE 1 HOUR CONSULTATIONS will be conducted virtually by telephone or TeleDivorce by Skype or FaceTime to reduce risk and maintain safety for everyone!
Call now to book your free consultation 212.734.1551.
I look forward to working with you!
Stay Healthy & Safe!
Warm regards,
Lois