Divorce is very difficult and an especially confusing time for children. Couples often get caught up in their own anger, drama, and the messy divorce process; the desire for revenge and the division of property and finances. But, who is looking out for the welfare of the children?
It is important for parents to foster childrens’ long-term adjustment to divorce. It is not only an adjustment for you, it is also a big life adjustment for them. It is your responsibility as a parent to buffer the pain of divorce and to reassure your children that it was not their fault, and that everything will be okay.
On the other hand, when parents approach divorce civilly, and allow the child to be happy, to smile and to love and spend time with both parents, the child will adjust more quickly and suffer less pain. Isn’t that what you want for your child?
Here are my 8 tips to reduce the effect of divorce on your children:
1) Build and nurture a good relationship with your children during the turbulent divorce process. Spend lots of time with your children. Even more time than usual, if necessary. Just because you are going through a divorce, do not neglect or reduce the amount of time you spend with your children. They need you now more than ever.
2) Don’t bad-mouth the other parent! This temptation is hard for some adults to overcome. Remember, your child doesn’t always feel the way you do about your spouse. Your spouse is still mom or dad to your child. Listen to your child. Resist the impulse to get your child to take sides. Your side…
3) Initiate open communications with your child. Encourage them to speak with you, to confide in you. Don’t betray their confidence. Always accept how your child feels.
4) Keep stability in your home and in your life. Children need structure. Limit the amount of changes you make in your children’s lives as you go through a divorce. Make changes gradually, and it’s important to continue familiar routines.
5) Always be available for your child, and consider counseling for them if you feel it would be helpful. I often advise couples not only to consider counseling for themselves but for their children too.
6) Don’t use your child to spy on your spouse. If you need information about your spouse, hire a private investigator. Don’t use your child!
7) If you are already starting to date during the divorce process, don’t rush to introduce your children to people you are dating. Keep that to yourself. Take your time. Your children need time to adjust. Introducing a new party to them too soon will add to confusion and sadness. Remember, they still love your spouse, even if you don’t!
8) Consider mediating your divorce. I strongly recommend to couples a Child Friendly Divorce. I encourage them to embrace mediation as their divorce process. Making this decision will truly be in the best interest of your child. If you use this process there will be less turmoil and more peace while divorcing. This will trickle down into your home and to your children. It’s better for them to be in a peaceful household during a divorce, rather than an angry, tumultuous home.
As parents we can’t always protect our children from divorce, but we can comfort them, provide them with support and the tools necessary to understand, and to hopefully overcome the pain of divorce. Remember, divorce is a family affair. It’s not only about you! Don’t let your children get lost in the process! Consider mediation!!
Having a highly skilled and effective divorce attorney/mediator to help facilitate a healthy divorce for you and your family is a positive first step. Let’s take it together. Learn about mediation and how it can help you and your children experience a more peaceful divorce process.
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Warm regards,
Lois
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