Valentine’s Day is Sunday! Traditionally, many couples get engaged on Valentine’s Day! Being an attorney in the field of family law for more than 35 years, I expect that some of the Valentine’s Day engagements will end in divorce—which is sad and unfortunate. There has to be a better way to ensure that all of the love and affection shown on Valentine’s Day lasts a lifetime.
There are several issues I see as a common thread that lead to divorce. Here are four tips to protect your relationship from the very outset, so that the shine of that beautiful engagement ring doesn’t blind you to some of the very basics of a long and successful marriage.
- Discuss Finances: Before getting married, couples often discuss where they are going to live, children, careers, and what side of the bed to sleep on… but rarely money. Some people have anxiety, guilt, or even shame about the way they handle money. Do you really want to tell a potential spouse that you’re an over spender? Not exactly the topic of discussion you want to have before you walk down the aisle. Have an open and honest conversation with your future spouse about your finances and know your “money style.” Will you share information about income and assets? “No” is often a red flag.
- Be Aware of Abusive Qualities: Abuse comes in more forms than just physical. Things like name-calling, playing the blame game, emotional manipulation, and attacks on your character and abilities are all signs of emotional abuse. Of course, if your future spouse actually physically abuses you then that is an immediate sign that it is time to exit. Violence never solves anything and you don’t deserve any kind of physical abuse. It usually gets worse as time goes by.
- Get a Prenuptial Agreement: Not just for the rich and famous, a prenuptial agreement forces you to have in-depth conversations about uncomfortable but important marital issues with your future spouse. Money matters, what religion you plan to raise your children in, family business ownership, and planning for inheritance are just several crucial topics that are brought to the forefront when discussing a prenuptial agreement. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Having a professional design your prenuptial agreement is very important. I have reviewed some prenuptial agreements that have not always been fair to both parties. Choose a prenuptial expert! It matters!
- See a Therapist: This person should be an objective, non-partisan third party concerned for the emotional well-being of you and your future spouse as a couple. The therapist is someone who will talk you and/or your soon-to-be spouse through the logistics of making decisions and compromises where there are no losers, and help you navigate the peaks and valleys of being in a healthy marriage. Personality disorders are a big warning sign. Do not ignore them.
Within the scope of a relationship, respectful communication is key — be honest with yourself and your future spouse. Communication helps ensure that you don’t marry the wrong person and that you stay married to the right person.
If you have any other questions about marital relationships, or crafting a prenuptial agreement please call me at 212.734.1551.
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I look forward to speaking with you!
Stay healthy and safe!
Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day everyone!
Warm regards,
Lois
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