I know divorce is a really big, difficult decision. You've probably been thinking about it for a long time.
Should I? Shouldn't I? Yes, I really should. But what will it mean? How do I tell my spouse? What will happen to my kids? Will I have to move out of my house? These are the questions I often hear from spouses who consult with me.
Usually, spouses know, deep down, that it's the right decision. But they wonder what it will entail. Will it be met with opposition? Anger? Crying? Arguments?
Whatever the reaction, it will not be a happy occasion.
On the other hand, continuing in a life of marital unhappiness is a lifetime of dissatisfaction.
As a divorce lawyer, and psychologically-trained mediator, I help alleviate the anxiety by explaining to a spouse during a consultation what the likely outcome of the process will be.
I tell a spouse what to expect. I answer lots of questions such as how property be divided. Will there be spousal and/or child support? What are the probable amounts and for how long? Knowing about the process can ease the uncertainty and can help a spouse to prepare for the events to come.
I share ideas on how to tell your spouse, sometimes suggesting a therapy session so a third person is present. How do you broach the subject without blaming your spouse and making them defensive? How will you tell your children?
Usually the dissatisfaction has been building up and increasing over a long period of time. There are better ways of handling and initiating a divorce.
Here are some suggestions on getting started:
Preparation
There is a lot of planning that goes into a divorce. You’re thinking, soul searching, researching, and making decisions. In addition to selecting the right divorce attorney/mediator, couples should also consider working with a therapist. I find having some of my couples work with a skilled psychologist, who is often part of my team, helps tremendously with the divorce process. Sometimes it’s even a good idea to work with a psychiatrist to prescribe medication, if necessary.
Additional emotional support is a great prescription for navigating the highs and lows of divorce. Therapy can be particularly helpful if one party is resistant to the divorce. It is also an opportunity for some spouses to discuss that they want a divorce in a therapy session. Having the therapist as part of this discussion can give a spouse the support they need to address this difficult subject. This process can help tremendously to get the divorce ball rolling.
As a mediator, in a divorce mediation session, I can also help a spouse introduce the divorce discussion and provide the other spouse with the comfort and understanding of the possibility of handling the divorce amicably, fairly, and cost-effectively. This can all be done virtually and is very effective.
Focus
If you have children, focus on them. They are going to need all the support you can give them. Spend quality time with them. Depending on their age, explain some of what’s going on, in an age- appropriate manner, but not all of it.
Remember, they are children. They need to feel safe, secure and loved by both parents (especially during this pandemic). Don’t speak negatively about your spouse (tempting though this may be) to your child. Save that conversation for your therapy.
Support
In addition to the skilled representation of a divorce attorney/mediator, and emotional guidance and support of a therapist, surround yourself with family and friends. The love and support of family and friends is the best divorce medicine.
When someone is going through a divorce, it is very common to become isolated. This isolation often leads to depression. Don’t isolate yourself! I know it feels like the easy way out, but it’s also the unhealthy way out. It’s time to stay strong and be supported. It’s not a time to be alone. It’s important for you to give yourself this gift. Treat yourself well. You still have to come out on the other side as a whole person.
If you are struggling with the decision to divorce, don’t let the holidays stand in your way. I can help you. As a divorce attorney and medically trained professional, I can help you navigate the divorce process, answer all your questions, and prepare you for what lies ahead.
All our FREE 1 HOUR CONSULTATIONS are conducted virtually to reduce risk.
Stay healthy and safe!
Warm regards,
Lois
Call me, New York Divorce Lawyer, Lois Brenner now to book your free consultation. 212.734.1551.