Verbal and financial abuse are common tactics used by narcissists to manipulate and control their victims. These forms of abuse can leave lasting emotional, mental, and financial scars, making it critical to recognize the signs and take action to protect yourself.
As a medically trained divorce attorney and mediator for over 35 years with extensive experience working with narcissistic spouses, I have created a comprehensive guide to walk you through what verbal and financial abuse looks like, how to protect yourself, and the steps to take to regain control of your life.
So before taking action against a narcissistic spouse it's important to understand what constitutes abuse in both verbal and financial forms. Narcissists often use subtle and overt methods to dominate and manipulate.
1. Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse from a narcissist may include:
- Insults and Name-Calling: Constant criticism, degrading remarks, or belittling comments designed to make you feel inferior.
- Gaslighting: The narcissist may twist facts or deny things they’ve said to make you question your own reality or memory.
- Public Humiliation: They may insult or criticize you in front of others to undermine your confidence.
- Blaming: Narcissists often shift blame for their mistakes onto you, making you feel guilty for their behavior.
- Threats and Intimidation: Subtle or direct threats meant to keep you compliant, whether by implying you'll lose something valuable (love, financial support) or by threatening worse consequences.
2. Financial Abuse
Financial abuse may look like:
- Controlling Your Finances: The narcissist may control how you spend your money, restrict access to bank accounts, or give you an allowance, keeping you financially dependent.
- Forcing You to Account for Every Penny: Narcissists may demand to know every detail about your spending and criticize you for even the smallest purchases.
- Preventing You from Working: They may discourage or outright forbid you from getting a job or advancing in your career, making it hard to leave the relationship.
- Using Your Money for Themselves: They may pressure you into paying for things that benefit them, leaving you financially drained.
- Racking Up Debt in Your Name: The narcissist may manipulate you into co-signing loans, using your credit cards, or taking out financial products in your name, leaving you responsible for debts they accumulate.
So if you are experiencing the above in yourrelationship, it’s time to take action!
I tell my clients all the time it’s really important to have a plan, as leaving a narcissist can be challenging and uncomfortable. Here are the steps you should take:
1. Acknowledge the Abuse
Recognizing that you are being abused is the first step toward breaking free. Narcissists excel at making their victims feel confused or responsible for their own suffering. It’s crucial to understand that you are not to blame for their actions.
2. Protect Your Mental and Emotional Health
The mental toll of verbal abuse can be overwhelming. It’s essential to take steps to guard your mental health:
- Seek Therapy or Counseling: A therapist can help you work through the emotional trauma and teach you coping mechanisms. I have some amazing therapists as part of my comprehensive divorce team.
- Establish a Support Network: Confide in trusted friends or family members who can provide emotional support and help you feel less isolated.
- Limit Interaction: If you can, limit contact with the narcissist. If you must interact, try to keep conversations short and direct to avoid manipulation.
3. Gain Financial Independence
Financial dependence is a common tactic used by narcissists to keep their victims trapped. Begin working toward financial independence:
- Open a Separate Bank Account: If possible, open a new bank account that the narcissist cannot access, and start putting money aside.
- Get a Job or Increase Income: Even if the narcissist has discouraged or forbidden you from working, it’s essential to find a way to earn money, even if it’s small at first. This will give you more freedom to leave when the time comes.
- Secure Important Documents: Ensure that all your identification, credit cards, and important documents (passport, birth certificate, etc.) are in a safe place where the narcissist cannot find them.
- Track Your Finances: Keep a record of all financial transactions that involve your money, especially if the narcissist has been draining your accounts or accumulating debt in your name.
4. Plan Your Exit Strategically
Leaving a narcissist is not easy. They often escalate their abuse when they sense their control is slipping. Prepare your exit in advance:
- Create a Safety Plan: If you fear the narcissist may become more aggressive, have a plan. This may include knowing where to go, who to contact, and having essentials in place.
- Seek Legal Advice: You should consult with a medically trained lawyer, mediator like myself to discuss your divorce options. Mediation can often be facilitated with a narcissist if you have the guidance of a psychologically skilled divorce attorney and mediator who can artfully manage discussions and provide a well-rounded legal and psychological support system.
As a seasoned, medically trained divorce attorney and mediator, having worked with hundreds of abused spouses, I can tell you being verbally and financially abused by a narcissist is a devastating experience, but you are not alone!
There are steps you can take to protect yourself and regain control. Recognizing the signs of abuse, creating a legal and psychological support network, and taking strategic actions toward financial and emotional independence are vital steps in breaking free from the clutches of a narcissist.
Call me so I can help you take charge of your life. Schedule your free consultation right now 212.734.1551.
Warm regards,
Lois